Chew Toys...

From almost a year ago, when C (then 5 years old) was chewing on one of her toys:

Mammy: Stop chewing things or I'll get you a chew toy for school.

C (5 years old): We're not allowed two toys. We're not allowed even one toy at school!

Bathroom rail infrastructure

Having children is #6...

Having to decide whether it's safe to get in and out of the shower without having to dismantle the complex railway infrastructure that is the newest feature of the bathroom floor.

(For the record, no. No it was not safe. The bathroom floor is once again clear of model railway.)

Superpowers

To appreciate the true effect, you should understand that C shouts the entire conversation, while running up and down the kitchen with wild abandon, waving a LEGO sword thing...

C ( my 4-year old son, running around the kitchen with a cape made of a multi-coloured blanket, and some LEGO in the shape of what might be a sword... or a building... it's hard to say ) : I'm a superhero!
Me : Excellent. What's your superpower?
C : Rainbows! (long pause) And super strength - so I can smash stuff!
(C throws LEGO sword thing to the ground where it smashes, spreading LEGO over half the kitchen.)
C : See?!?

Ironman

In case any readers had questions about superheros on the loo, my son appears to have given the matter significant thought...

C (4-y/o son, completely unprompted. We weren't even talking about superheros or peeing) : Ironman can't pee because he doesn't have a bottom or a penis.

Me : But how does he not explode?

C : It's okay, Daddy. Tony Stark can pee when he pulls his pants down.

Spanish Armada

Having children is #5...

Having to remove the rapidly disintegrating paper Spanish Armada from the bathroom sink before washing your hands.

Naked Fish Fingers

C (6-year old, holding up a fish finger with a very small section missing batter ) : I'm not eating my second fish finger because I don't like to see the fish!

*sigh*

String

While discussing why my 5-year old had not eaten her lunch at school:

D (5-years old) to her mother : "I couldn't eat my lunch today because I was too distracted by string."

Screwing it up...

S (3 year old, handing me a clockwork toy) : Screw it up, Daddy!
Me: You mean, wind it up?
S : Yes, Daddy - screw it up!

Dancing

Mammy (to C, 6 years old) : I see you've not been busy tidying. (C was supposed to be emptying the dish-washer.)

C (6 years old) : I have been busy! I've been dancing with a spatula.

C and her affiliation with some secret (possibly criminal) organisation

D (8 years old): C (her sister, 6-years old) is terrible at keeping secrets
Me : I think that's probably okay. She doesn't have a lot of secrets to keep, does she?
D (very seriously) : What if she's part of a secret organisation and tells people about it and dies a slow of horrible death.
Me : Do you think that's likely?
D (equally seriously) : It's C.

Infinity

4 y/o: Infinity doesn't exist.
Me: It does. But we can never count to infinity.
4 y/o: I can count to infinity!
Me: Can you?
4 y/o: Yes. Infinity comes after 1,038. (Sadly, realising he can't count to infinity after all.) But I can't count to 1,038.
(4 y/o goes back to playing football in the house, which he's been asked repeatedly to not do.)
4 y/o: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAALLLLLLLLL!!!

Age

Teaching critical evaluation to children is sometimes difficult:

Me: Today is your aunt's birthday. She's a million years old.
4 y/o: I know!