Fired...

Our elf-on-the-shelf has been particularly naughty this year and ended up climbing up a candle stick that we have sitting in the fireplace.

Mammy: Why is Elfie climbing up the candle stick?
C (5 y/o, without hesitation): Maybe she's going to be fired?

That's a pretty damn good pun for a 5-year old.

Reindeer abuse

My 4 y/o is playing quietly at the kitchen table, muttering to herself and generally quite happy with Christmas stickers and various toys. I'm always impressed at her commitment to imagination and role play, where she gives at least 110% every time:

4 y/o (shouted!): Who pooped on my antlers??!?

Seems I need to look further into the theme and inspiration for this particular piece of pretend play...

Daddy's shopping needs

My wife and 4 y/o are shopping:

4 y/o: Daddy needs beer. And tea! Daddy needs tea.
4 y/o (thinking a bit...): But when there is no tea he drinks gin instead. Daddy loves gin!

I think I need a small medicinal gin & tonic ;-)

Christmas songs

Christmas songs that didn't make it big....

To the tune of 'Frosty the Snowman':

Frosty the reindeer,
Is a cow with antlers on,
He has shiny hooves,
And he pulls a sleigh,
And he like to smoke his bong.

Frosty the reindeer,
Gives us milk when it's not yule,
And it's said he makes
Very tasty steaks,
And the best filet minion.

Toilet training

While basic toilet training took only a few weeks for each child, learning a more complete etiquette is still a work in progress years later, leading to exchanges like this:

[Flush]
Mammy (to Daddy): That's amazing - she's actually flushed the toilet.
Daddy (to the 4y/o): Did you wash your hands?
4 y/o (proudly): I don't need to. My hands are smooth and soft!

snow

It has snowed overnight. Things are white outside. This is clearly very exciting.

4 y/o (super excited and shouting): What the *snow* has happened?!?
5 y/o: You mean, what the f**king snow has happened?

I'm so proud. So proud.

Being a monster

Parenting is having every day littered with incomprehensible gems like this:

4 y/o (very excited, though I can't tell why): Now I can believe I am a monster!
Daddy: What?
4 y/o: Because I am a monster! In real life!

Who let the dogs out?

Heard shouted through the bathroom door. In the mind of my 7 y/o, and judging by the smell, perhaps 'the dogs' are a euphemism...

7 y/o (while sitting on the toilet): Who let the dogs out? Me! ME! MEEEE!

Both things I'm pretty good at...

While getting children to put pyjamas on and brush teeth before going to bed, the 9 y/o sings:

9 y/o (sung):
If I brush my teeth and then get naked,
Both things I'm pretty good at,
Except the brushing teeth part...
I'm very good at getting naked though.

We built this city...

I've been educating my children with the best of 80's music. The 4 y/o is traveling with my wife, but insists that she call me to ask a very important question:

4 y/o (absolutely seriously): Daddy, is this city really built from rock'n'roll?

Bad Parenting

9 y/o (at lunch): You're not a good parent, are you, Daddy?
Daddy: Why do you say that?
9 y/o: Because you wouldn't let us have chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch.

 You just can't argue with that logic.

Dimmer

4 y/o (in Winter, where it's started getting dark in the mornings): I wonder who switched down the sun?

Bee pee

4 y/o (at breakfast): We need the bees to pee on our breakfast!
Daddy: ???
4 y/o: So we'll have honey on it...

Millions of days

Today's breakfast conversation:
4 y/o (in full 4 y/o whining mode): Mammy! I told you I didn't want an adult spoon millions of times and millions of days!
5 y/o (he's also a bit of an expert at making up numbers): You only told her five times.
4 y/o: No - I told her millions of days.
9 y/o: We haven't even been alive millions of days yet.
4 y/o: Well, I told her at least ten times...

Space Unicorns

(Referring to a new Narwhale stuffed toy that the her older brother bought yesterday):
4 y/o: It's a unicorn! A space unicorn!
Mammy: Are all unicorns from space?
4 y/o (with absolute confidence): Yes! And also space Pegasii. And allicorns!

Story time

4 y/o (telling a story): "Snow White ate the apple and fell asleep. Then Rapunzel came and gave her a kiss and she woke up and they got married and they were both the Queens and then they lived happily ever after."

Not a Tantrum

Daddy (to 4 y/o): Please stop throwing a tantrum.
4 y/o (screamed): I'm not having a tantrum... I'm just shouting!

Trust issues

The 4 y/o is having a drink of water from a blue beaker, and there's a half-full glass of water on the table from one of the other children.

4 y/o: I don't trust this clear glass. I only trust this one.
Me (unaware until now that my child had trust issues with any crockery or household items): Why?
4 y/o: Because fruit flies.
Me: ???
4 y/o (matter of factly): Fruit flies swim in water to get fruit. If you put a pear in a yoghurt and left it out, fruit flies would kind of swim to get it.

4 y/o on a roll

Various things the 4 y/o has come out with today:

On being asked to make some attempt to eat the crust of her bread:
4 y/o (staring intently at her bread crust): Silly adults made this.

On what I can only assume is a deep understanding of time travel:
4 y/o (to her mother): Mammy, when you were a baby you used to watch My Little Pony with me!

On where zombies come from:
4 y/o: When skeletons die they become zombies.

Too much dark

In discussion with the 4 and 7 year old, who are making a lot more noise than the average sleeping children...

Mammy: Why are you not in bed asleep?

4 y/o: Because we're trying to turn on the light.

Mammy: Why are you trying to do that?

4 y/o: Because there's a lot of dark and only a little bit of light.

Mombies

Talking about zombies at the kitchen table:
9 y/o: I can't understand how people can be tired and want coffee, because it keeps you awake.
4 y/o: Mom-bies are when you're a Mommy and have four kids and no coffee.
5 y/o (chanting): Mommy is a zombie! Mommy is a zombie!

The Fish Finger Compels You

Daddy (to 4 y/o): Please finish your dinner.
4 y/o: I'm just having a staring competition with these fish fingers
Daddy: Why?
4 y/o (after a thoughtful pause): Because the fish want to.
Daddy (looking quizzically): ...
4 y/o (having a revelation): because we're all aliens!

Absent Parenting

Daughter (4 y/o, accusingly): You weren't there when I was born, Mammy!

Choices

Son (5 y/o): Daddy, will you help me to save the universe, or destroy it?
Daddy: Erm, save it?
Son: Good. That means four of us will save it: Mammy, Me, you and Daughter1; and two will try to destroy it: Daughter2 and Daughter3.

I should clarify that this came out of nowhere. I should probably investigate why two of my darling daughters are planning to destroy the universe, and whether I'll be expected to pay for it...

Not now

4 y/o is lying on the dining room floor naked, wrapped in her favourite unicorn blanket:

Daddy: Would you like to get dressed?
Daughter (4 y/o): I am going to get dressed not now. Can I have a tablet? I've never had a tablet...  today.
Daughter (now singing, while performing an enviable downward looking dog yoga pose): Look at my bottom, my bottom, my big, big giant bottom!
Daughter: Mammy, can I go outside?
Mammy & Daddy (simultaneously): If you get dressed.

Frankly, the only surprising thing is how frequently this kind of interaction happens... ;-)

From tonight's impromptu dinner-table singalong, from the 4 y/o:

(sung)
"I don't want to destroy the universe,
I just want to turn it into Ribena."

Fear of Storms

Rain starts falling after an unseasonably long dry-spell. We're sitting in the balcony, which is covered but a few drops blow in.
Daughter (4 y/o): Come inside, Daddy! Before your tea gets wet!
Son (6 y/o): Tea is already made of water.
Daughter: Come inside, Daddy, before you get too much water in your tea.

There was also some discussion between the two of them about having to come inside due to a ghost. No idea!

Whack in the Face?

While eating lunch on the balcony:
Daughter (4 y/o): Mammy, would you like a whack in the face?
Mammy: No, thank you.
Daughter (4 y/o, slightly disappointed, now brandishing a rainbow coloured sock): It's just with a smelly sock...

A fairly standard dinner conversation at our house: 
Daughter2 (4 y/o): Sweetcorn is grown like grapes, because they are both juicy. But they are different colours. And their juice tastes different.
Daughter1 (7 y/o): I know how to grow a potato. Put a potato in a bowl, and put no dirt in. And then water it. Then put in a tiny bit of food, which is dirt. And most importantly, keep it safe from greenfly.
Son (5 y/o,  shouting): And dinosaurs!
Daughter1 (7 y/o): They are extinct! They don't exist any more.
Daughter2 (4 y/o): Unicorns still exist. Just on a different planet!
Daughter1 (7 y/o): Yes. Unicornia: the heaven of unicorns. You can't exactly bring yourself to heaven with a teleporter, mostly because heaven doesn't really exist. And God doesn't really exist.
Mammy: Remember, you have to respect other people's opinions on religion too.
Daughter1 (7 y/o): Yes, like the way that you're not allowed to push us off a balcony.

Cork as 2018 World Cup Winners

Mammy (to 5 y/o son): Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Son: I don't know. Are Cork playing?

I'm so proud ;-)